Sorry, but also a bit not-sorry…
Hi Team. You could definitely be forgiven if you’d completely forgotten that this little blog even existed, because this blog has not seen even a glimmer of action since the end of May – which honestly feels like a lifetime ago, doesn’t it?
Whilst I do feel a little bit like I owe you something to make up for the radio silence, and I’m a little bit frustrated with myself for letting a good habit die young..
…I’ll be honest, I’m actually not sorry at all.
This blog has, and always will be, a joy for me to write. Which means that I only really write when it feels joyful to do so. I hope to pick up the blog-writing more frequently going forward, but writing has really been the last thing on my mind for the last 12 weeks and that, my friends, is the long and short of it.
So what’s been happening?
I suppose the biggest and most adult life update is that we bought a house.
I’ve been learning a lot more about privilege over recent months and how it plays out in my own life, so I felt like I I want to caveat all of this by saying: yes it’s very exciting, and something I’ve hugely proud of – but I am also really very aware of the privilege that has allowed us to do this. More than that, the privilege that has allowed us to plough on and buy a house in the midst of a pandemic and immeasurable financial uncertainty. I will probably continue talking about the house because the whole project is a huge part of our life now, but know that I do not take any of it for granted.
We have bought a very ordinary home, with very extraordinary decor and it was only affordable to us because of this fact – it hasn’t been decorated or updated since the 1970’s. I think that it’s going to be years until we’re anywhere close to finishing this ‘little’ project, and it is definitely going to require some rolling-up of sleeves and learning lots of new skills, which is all quite exciting and part of the adventure – she says, hopefully…!!
Also, I feel very tired.
Come to think of it, the house move (whilst not a small thing by any stretch) is really the only thing to have happened these past few months. A lot of the rest of the time has been spent mentally processing the house move, lots of working (still at home) and trying to stay happy and healthy and all that jazz.
We’re all friends here. Let’s just be a little transparent about how we’re feeling, shall we?
I am just kind-of ‘done‘.
I feel utterly drained by the whole lockdown experience.
I am quite simply, very tired of the whole charade.
I know I’m not the only one feeling this way. In fact, I think it’s totally natural to feel this way in wake of a global killer virus outbreak which essentially turned our lives upside down in a matter of days.
Mental Health over everything
At the time of writing this I am also in the middle of a social media free week. Or at least, the best that I can do, considering my full-time job is quite literally, being on social media. So I suppose it’s a personal social media break. It seemed like an obvious solution, even in the short-term, to the comms fatigue that I think I have been feeling to one degree or another for the past few months.
I found myself falling an internet scroll-hole* too regularly – the type that we all love to hate, and lose hours of our life to every single week. But for a perfectionist like myself, it pretty much always leads to that feeling of comparison: “not being enough” / “not doing enough” / “not showing up enough”, blah blah blah. It’s exhausting. And until I get a handle on keeping those thoughts in check, the easiest thing to do was remove the stimulus.
I reckon by the time this goes up, I’ll be back online. But the fact that I managed to write this blog post, because I’d freed up some headspace and comparison wasn’t getting in the way so much, I’d call it a worthwhile break.
Well, this was a big old brain-dump life update. All I’ve got left to add is:
- I discovered TikTok.
- I was interviewed by ReFrame Club founders, Rose and James, about my journey to Intuitive Eating and non-diet fitness, and the interview went live on YouTube.
- I joined a new gym and made my post-lockdown return, somewhat apprehensively but, so far, no regrets and a definite improvement in body respect and gratitude.
- I am trying to establish a new routine for the now-long-term working-from-home life that will be my working arrangement until further notice. It focuses on less screen time, more movement, and regular social time. I’ll keep you posted.
I hope this hasn’t scared you off. I promise there’ll be less DMC** and more light-hearted blog post topics coming soon. Hopefully.
*Scroll-hole, a definition: an internet “scroll-hole” is the state of being where one cannot stop scrolling through their social media feeds, spending countless minutes (sometimes hours) mindlessly consuming content online without really enjoying or gaining anything from the experience except surface-level entertainment (at best) and a small self of self-loathing (at worst) as a result of the highlights reel that is social media. Falling into a “scroll-hole” usually requires the intervention of another human to drag the individual back into the present moment.
**DMC = Deep, Meaningful Conversations.